The Perfect Wedding

The Perfect Wedding
The Perfect Wedding

Video: The Perfect Wedding

Video: The Perfect Wedding
Video: The Perfect Wedding 2021 #LMN​​​​​​ - New Lifetime Movies 2021 Based On A True Story 2024, March
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Somehow, between the bargaining for a piece of cake and Stas Mikhailov's song "For You", I calculated that I had been at weddings more than forty times - more often than in the theater. Specifically: three times with relatives, nine times with friends, everything else - at work, as a manager or leader. Yes, once a gentleman, in search of ten, went to serve Hymen. I think this is a small sin. Others serve Bacchus in the same circumstances.

The perfect wedding
The perfect wedding

But what happened is gone, but the bottom line is this: not without reason I consider myself a specialist in weddings. My qualifications are enough to organize the perfect wedding - for myself, my beloved, and for her, beloved. It is a matter of time: even if the date is not determined, all the nuances have been discussed. I share, we are not secretive.

First, we will, of course, order a limousine. We are provincials, and it is important for us to emphasize this: after all, not a single normal Muscovite will order a limousine for a wedding. A Muscovite knows that there is nowhere to drive a limousine, to have no time, and there is nowhere to park it. But for provincial show-offs, nothing is better to come up with, so let's order. The main thing here is not to lie to ourselves, they say, we want to be original, to surprise. If you wanted to surprise, you would have come to the registry office in a KAMAZ, seating guests in the back on sandbags. She would float out of the cockpit all in white, trying not to slap on the fuel oil. I would go out all in black, and everyone would see that I was dressed more practical. And the accordion player would play along with our happiness from the back.

Secondly, we will invite all relatives. The parents will make the list, and we will approve it without reading it. All the same, we do not remember exactly who it is, and we do not know exactly why they should be invited. But we feel: without Aunt Zhanna from Bryansk in agate beads and Uncle Tolya from Saratov in a first-match tie, the perfect wedding will not work. What is a wedding without women from forty to infinity, who will be the first to take to the dance floor under Glyzin? What is a wedding without loud arguments between the cousin and the brother-in-law under the second bottle about whether to send troops to Iraq or not? What is a wedding without children who will catch a bouquet and a garter for everyone to laugh, praise and ruffle their hair? I cannot imagine such a wedding. I have never seen it. At Russian weddings, they are the prima, and the bride and groom are extras. We will not flatter ourselves at our own expense either.

Thirdly and most importantly - the toastmaster. He is the king of this evening, who will execute and never have mercy. He is a petty demon who will plunge our marriage into the maelstrom of three Ps: pathos, obscenities and postmodernism. There will be no hiding from him, no hiding. And woe to the one who asks him in his ear for mercy! After all, the name of the unworthy person will immediately sound into the microphone. And then the unworthy man, ashamed by the laugh of Aunt Zhanna and approved by the cry of Uncle Tolya, will put on an orange wig and with a flux of ten chupa-chups on his cheek will read Sergey Mikhalkov's poems "How our Lyuba's teeth ached" until his wife shook the unfortunate toilet paper from glasses to shoes. Also, an integral task of the toastmaster will be the performance of the songs of the "Bravo" group, soldering guests, extorting money from them,spicy jokes about the mother-in-law and the ability to drive everyone out into the cold to watch fireworks in five minutes. How people used to get married without fireworks, I don’t know and don’t want to know.

So, smoothly, we came to the "fourth" - to the competitions. Wedding contests were invented solely to humiliate guests, and we will not deviate from this wonderful Russian tradition. Jumping on one leg, carrying eggs in a spoon, drinking sour cream in a pile, popping balls with an ass - all this is in the rhythm of the dance and always in rhyme. Undoubtedly, it will not do without film adaptations of fairy tales and remakes of popular films, without wearing women at a distance, throwing rings at marksmanship, eating bananas for vulgarity and singing ditties at volume. I will especially ask for my beloved to sound:

Like on a slide, on a butt

The bunny asks the chanterelle.

And the chanterelle does not give, The bunny takes it out with its paw.

Within the framework of these cheerful and perky games, the guests will have to determine who will be the head of our family, how many children we will give birth to, what gender they will be, whether I am obliged to give all my salary to my wife. In general, everything that we are not able to decide on ourselves. Do not forget about the cries of "bitter!", Because newlyweds, as a rule, do not know how to kiss by the wedding day or are extremely embarrassed about this process.

Fifth, we will compose the playlist ourselves. She loves the Kiss band, I love the Glenn Miller Orchestra. But why should we, animals, put on such music at our own wedding? My experience is categorical: no matter how the newlyweds are aesthetically pleasing, it will still come to Serdyuchka, and then everything will begin. By “everything” I mean the spirit of the wedding, the most striking event of which will, of course, be the dance of Aunt Zhanna and Uncle Tolya, whose first-match tie will by that time acquire cute tangerine specks from the sauce. "Where are you, young people, only old people light up ?!" - Aunt Zhanna will coquettishly shout to the table with my classmates, half of whom will hide their eyes, and half will not know how to tear those eyes. I'm almost sure that my friend Gosha's friend by that time will have time to scold him for not catching the garter on purpose and hiding his hands behind his back, you bastard.

Finally, congratulations and toasts. Perhaps, I will separately indicate in the invitations that congratulations should be in verse. Those who think that poems will be better on typographic postcards can read from the postcard. For those who rhyme third with “love” with “mother-in-law” and “attention” with “understanding”, I guarantee a prize - permission not to participate in competitions. However, this, of course, is self-deception: like a pagan orgy (in fact, why "how"?), The Russian wedding never goes according to the script. Being a clot of pure madness, it spills over the hall and on the tables without permission, merging into a wild harmony of flashing legs, guttural screams, fatherly speeches, bottles, caps and tartlets with red caviar. Organized in order to "have something to remember", it is not able to leave behind clear memories, even in the event thatif, instead of fireworks, the program includes firing from a cannon with a Vacheron Constantin watch.

And last but not least. We will not come to our wedding. A day before her, we will sign at the registry office and politely listen to everything that the registrar tells us by rote. Then we will have lunch with her parents, have dinner with mine (or vice versa), visit our grandparents (I’m not even ready to joke about shoving our beloved old people into the mouth of the hell described above). We will go to bed early and in the morning we will fly to Lisbon or Valletta. We will choose a small restaurant by the sea and clink glasses with champagne at about the moment when in Moscow Aunt Zhanna is looking under the table for Uncle Tolya's tie in pervance color with specks of sauce. We will kiss without reminders and have sex without instructions. We love each other, and therefore this will be an evening only for her and for me. "And around the silence, taken as a basis."

Without this prerequisite, the perfect wedding will not work. Ransom and bread, salt and loaf, Glyzin and Vaenga, theft of the bride and non-ferrous metals will do without us. I’ll buy myself new shorts, and she’s something more versatile than a dress that looks like a monthly cholesterol cake. We are getting married for ourselves, and for our relatives and other guests, so be it, we organize a wedding, so that we don’t think we have forgotten, so that we don’t decide that we are pinched, so that it does not seem that we are not human. No, no, we have everything, like people: both a loaf, and Serduchka, and a toastmaster with his "so that he wants and can." Are we not Russians? Sing, soul, walk, flaw. And then we'll see the photos.

Most likely, of course, we won't, but if someone later, in a peaceful life, stays with us until late, I will insert a flash drive into the plasma and say loudly: "And now we will watch slides from our wedding." And the guests suddenly get home urgently and in five minutes they will leave us alone. For each other.

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